Meditating on the dramatic and emotional things that have been happening around here lately makes me think of a lesson my father taught me when I was young – “Be careful – don’t let anyone talk you into buying a lemon” . . . he’s speaking, of course, about the informal definition of a “lemon”:
a person or thing that proves to be defective,imperfect, or unsatisfactory; dud:
His car turned out to be a lemon.
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Soured Friendships
Unfortunately, recently, I have found myself in a position where some of the relationships that I have forged and held dear here in Maine turned out to be “lemons”. Defective relationships. . . definitely imperfect. . . and extremely unsatisfactory in that they’ve caused me pain and heartache in the forms of disrespect, antagonism, betrayal, and just plain pettiness.
I’ve been struggling with the feelings that these “dud” relationships have stirred up in me. . . anger, sorrow, helplessness, confusion. . .
I find myself wondering why, at not even 25 years old, I’m acting like more of an adult than people years and even decades older than I am. I mean, really. I feel like I’m in the movie Mean Girls. I’m wondering how I could have been so blind to the fact that the relationships were doomed to begin with. . . and I’m torn about what to do with these feelings.
I’m wondering why it’s so hard to just let go of them. Be done with them. I think it’s partially because in a military lifestyle, I leave behind dear friends, and need to make new ones at our next assignment. Because I feel the need to belong to or create a community, maybe I can be a bit careless about the people that I choose to forge friendships with. Not that I choose bad friends. These friends that I’ve recently been completely and totally betrayed by were great friends and lovely people until nasty words were spread, healthy criticisms were made, and it all went to hell.
It’s like. . . I want so badly to have the loyalty, understanding, and love that I’ve shared between friends before. . . and that’s hard to come by when everyone you live near (including yourself) is called away by duty to another military station . . . whenever their family’s transfer time comes around. You want to make friends and have connections. But I’ve been learning (the hard way) that maybe I need to listen more to my husband about which people to trust. Apparently, he’s got a pretty keen “bullshit meter” (sorry. . . ONE curse, JUST one!). Again, that’s a story for another post. Right now, I’m left wondering what to do with the feelings of betrayal and sadness, and how to move on.
Where Do I Go From Here?
So, the story of the betrayal is a post for another time, once I have had a bit of time to gain hindsight. Right now, if I wrote about it, I would be sobbing and shaking by the end of writing the post, and my post would be splattered with expletives for sure. And I don’t want either of those two things to happen.
But I find myself at an impasse.
I want to let these feelings go and take the “high road” and just continue living normally. But then I’m afraid that if I release the bad feelings and continue on like nothing ever happened, that I’ll be blind sighted by another betrayal that I might have seen coming, had I been watching out for it.
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I took a good run today and purged all of the ugliest feelings (you know, like when you want to shake someone because you are just that angry!) and have a good think about the rest of them. . . and I’ve decided that I’m going to move forward from these ugly feelings.
It’s going to be work, keeping myself from falling into the trap of being ugly right back. . . or buying into the drama. But I’m not going to let the unfortunate happenings of the past couple of weeks poison my life or knock me off course.
I’ve got a lot to be thankful for:
- My little Silly Bears who are my pride and joy
- My goals and passions: Learning, mothering, studying, sewing, etc.
- My volunteer work helping families through my Coast Guard Ombudsman role
- My education and IBCLC certification through my college courses (no matter how hard it is to be a student AND a mom!). . .
- The fulfillment that I feel as I pursue my Silly Bear Handmade shop
- and most importantly, continuing to find JOY in mothering and in this crazy, wonderful journey I’m on.
I want to fix everything, or undo everything, but I know that that’s impossible.
The best I can do is be sure about my values, and release the nasty emotions that are causing me stress.
I need my water to be clear so that I can go on doing what I do. . . mothering, studying, writing, helping, and creating. . . and loving those friends and family who are true and dear.
and maybe, just maybe, I can get a little better at spotting “lemons” in my life before they create trouble.
Any suggestions on meditations that help with releasing feelings and moving on from betrayal?
How do you cope with “lemons” in your life?
This is so raw, true. Thank you for sharing. “Firing” friends is so hard, and I have had to learn to move through the pain and sadness, and that some nostalgia never goes away. I remind myself to let go of what no longer serves me. To seek out partners, friends, colleagues with whom I am my authentic, most beautiful self. And to trust that truer friends can and will exist.
Blessings to you!
That is a lovely thought. . . to “seek out partners and friends and colleagues with whom I am my authentic, most beautiful self” . . . that definitely describes the friends that my husband reminded me of through this ordeal – the friends that “really care and really love you”
I think I get caught up in a “be nice and compassionate toward everyone” mindset – and I collect lots of friends – which is good, until I have to be real with someone about something they do that is wrong. . . and then it seems like friends just peel away from me like dead bark off a tree.
Thank you for your thoughts. They’ll definitely help as I deal with these weird lingering feelings of loss
Nice to see you around the blog!
I used to tell my students that sometimes we outgrow friendships and that it is okay. It truly is okay to let go of relationships that do not make you feel like your best, true self. That said, get orders out here because I don’t think we’ll outgrow each other, and I don’t do crazy (well, I do, but I try not to.)
Thanks, Jackie. I’m happy to count you as one of those true friends that I can be my most raw, true, authentic self around – and you still love me and respect me. Thank you for that! We miss you!