“Always Ready” Holiday Style

Welcome to the December Carnival of Natural Parenting: Let’s Talk Traditions

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama.

Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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My family has always had strong Holiday traditions. About a week or two after Thanksgiving, we would go to the tree lot and pick out a “misfit” tree to foster at our house. I always loved hiding the tree’s imperfections with lights and ornaments and careful shaping; singing and dancing to Holiday tunes while decorating the tree with my parents, and staring in awe at the beautiful spectacle our smallish, “misfit” tree had become by the end of it. Practicing with the choir and bell choir at our large Catholic church all throughout December, the tradition of Midnight Mass, and of course, the magic and silliness of Christmas morning – always in PJ’s and riddled with giggles, taking turns opening presents and shooting wrapping hoops style into trashcan across the room.

My family also had a twenty-year strong Thanksgiving tradition, until this year. Same people, same food, same schedule, same crazy hectic, yummy wonderful loving Thanksgiving since I could remember.

“Daddy. . . ” I said, speaking to my father this year on Thanksgiving morning, “. . . it’s thanksgiving, at 9 o’clock, and there are no caramel rolls to eat, no overnight buns overtaking the dining room, and no parade on the TV. It’s all changing, and I’m kind of sad.”

I told him how my cousin had called me the night before, and left me a long voicemail about how the “whole family was breaking up” and “Thanksgiving just wasn’t the same anymore.” The same tradition had taken place year after year at my aunt and uncle’s house, and the fact that it was over was breaking her heart. I didn’t even listen to the whole message. I didn’t call back. I just didn’t know what to say.

I was sad, too. So the last thing I wanted to hear was more sadness about the destruction of the Thanksgiving tradition. With my family moved across the country for hubs’ military duty, my brother and sister in law decided to have Thanksgiving with the other side of the family this year, and my parents were invited along. We all knew that this would happen eventually, but I guess when it comes to tradition, change is hard for everyone. I felt compassion for my cousin’s pained voice, pining for the age of Thanksgivings past, when all 10-15 of us would gather around the same table at the same place, eating the same recipes, sharing the same prayers, turning on football, taking a walk, watching a movie, and spending ten minutes hugging everyone goodbye. I just wasn’t sure what to tell her.

My dessert trays always sat in the same place. The same peach tea and water were poured and distributed by my cousins, and we always had the same unspoken rules about what to discuss and not to discuss at the dinner table. Everyone always praised my mom’s yearly rendition of grandma’s overnight buns, and devoured my aunt’s southern ambrosia fruit salad, alongside a delicious turkey, cooked and carved by my uncle and all the side dishes you could ever want. We would talk every year (and sometimes even vote) about whether the cornbread dressing or bread dressing was better (and why). We would laugh about the gravy boat shaped like an elongated toilet, and enjoy my dad’s comedic effect with his priceless humor (that always tip toed way too close to the forbidden dinner topics). Every year. For 20 years.

We all miss it. It was tradition.

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You know, technically, everyone had months to prepare for a change in Thanksgiving tradition, as our military move was announced before the summer. But still, it seemed like it was a bit of a hubbub for everyone to figure out what they were going to do for Thanksgiving and with which subset of the family. And I was left feeling pretty darn lonesome, knowing that if we were still within driving distance, that we would have the same traditional Thanksgiving again this year, and that then, I, too, wouldn’t have to figure out what in the world I was going to do on Thanksgiving with absolutely no family for hundreds of miles.

Thinking back on this Thanksgiving, I realize that it caused me considerable emotional stress to not know what it was going to be like. It seems a little silly, considering that it’s only one day out of the year, but I was seriously stressing about it. The week before Thanksgiving, I shamelessly mentioned to everyone and anyone I knew in my new home that Abbey and I had to clue what we were doing for Thanksgiving. . . until I finally got invited to someone’s Thanksgiving meal by another guest, not even by the hostess. The Sunday before Thanksgiving, I broke down in tears at church, not only because of the stress of parenting a toddler single-handedly, or even my holy raging pregnancy hormones, but because in a fall season that was quickly tapering toward the holidays, when I should feel excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions. . . I was in a new place, with no traditions to follow, experiencing some pretty steep culture shock, with my husband deployed, feeling so very alone.

Thanksgiving turned out fine. The food was not the same, but it was good. The company was not the same but it was welcoming, and Abbey’s experience was not the same, but she didn’t seem to mind. My family back at home reports that their days were not the same, but that they had a nice Thanksgiving, too.

So if everything turned out fine, despite nothing being the same . . . then what were we so darned worried about in the first place?

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One of our priests at my new church here in NH made a very compelling statement about the holiday season this past week in his sermon that absolutely answers this question. Advent, starting after Thanksgiving, is the time of preparation that we Christians celebrate in the days leading up to December 25^th. It’s supposed to be a time of quiet reflection and prayer, where we wait . . . pregnant with the hope of salvation in the birth of Christ. But in our modern, consumerist society . . . the atmosphere of buzzing shopping malls and Christmas pageants, peppy Holiday music, and fairs and festivals . . . makes it kind of difficult to find a quiet and prayerful experience.

But in the weekend paper, our priest had run into a very interesting study from 2008 where the researchers concluded that the very most effective commercials run during the Holidays were NOT commercials that bragged about steep discounts, best quality, or highest popularity ratings – the most effective commercials were those that marketed positive emotional experiences – like one in which a grandfather receives a webcam for Christmas and can now connect with his grandchildren who live in Africa . . . or two preteen sisters unwrap wireless microphones on Christmas morning and throw an impromptu musical recital to the delight of the whole family . . .

It totally clicked. Jeff definitely got an Amen out of me that Sunday! Because during the holidays, it’s not the specific place we are or the people we’re with, or the food we eat, or the presents we give or receive. It doesn’t matter if everything is the same or everything is different. What we as a culture most identify with during the Holidays is the emotional experience that we have.

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So, yes, I’m excited about making my own Holiday traditions for my family. But I’m going into my “Freshman” season of Holiday parenting with the understanding that it’s not so much the traditions themselves, but the experience we get from them that matters. This year, daddy isn’t around for Abbey’s Christmas. Next year, she’ll have a baby brother added to the mix, and it’s possible that daddy will be gone again. The year after that, who knows? We may have moved on to a new duty station, somewhere different. For a military family, standard traditions aren’t really all that practical. Our homes are always changing, our surroundings and our climate and our friends are always changing. Our daddy’s schedule is constantly changing, and we never know whether he’ll miss a birthday or anniversary or Holiday.

I’m constantly telling myself and consequently teaching Abbey that change can be scary, but not all change is bad. It’s something you have to come to terms with as a military family. Semper Paratus (“Always Ready”) is the tagline of the Coast Guard’s mission statement. You can’t get away from change, and you just always have to be ready to flex with it.

So for me, someone who simply can’t commit to giving my children year after year of the same holiday traditions, no matter how hard I try . . .

. . . the realization that specific activities don’t really matter – that it’s the emotional experience, not the activity – that creates our love of the Holidays . . .

WHEW . . . let me tell you . . . that’s a real relief.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Traditions? What traditions? — Olivia at Write About Birth needs your advice: how can she make the most of the holiday season in a new country with only her immediate family? (@writeaboutbirth)
• TRADITION!!!!!! — Ella at My Intentional Journey reminds us all to be thankful for family traditions; there are those who have none.
• tradition! — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine came to realize that families can make incredible memories, even if they’re not wealthy (or organized).
• Taking a child’s perspective on traditions — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to keep in mind how important even the mundane traditions will be to her little ones. (@Hobo_Mama)
• Sunday Dinners and Lullabies — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment finds traditions in the small things throughout the year.
• Simple Family Advent Traditions — Michelle at The Parent Vortex crafted a set of advent bags with daily surprises to eat and to do. (@TheParentVortex)
• Parenting: Family Meetings – A Timeless Tradition — Amy Phoenix at Innate Wholeness discusses a year-round tradition in her household: Family Meetings. (@InnateWholeness)
• Our Mindful Holidays — They may not be “traditional” traditions, but they fit the family of Kellie at Our Mindful Life.
• Our Holiday Traditions, New and Old — Even with three young children, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings is finding ways to be intentional and meaningful about holiday traditions. (@sunfrog)
• Our Cupcake Custom — Amy at Anktangle knows celebrations need minimal excuse and lots of cupcakes! (@anktangle)
• On the bunny slope of tradition-making — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama is finding her groove as a holistic-minded mama with a joyful holiday spirit. (@crunchychewy)
• No, Virginia, There Is Not a Santa Claus — Just because her family is not going to do Santa, does not mean that Sheila at A Gift Universe can’t instill some mystery and magic into Christmas. (@agiftuniverse)
• New Traditions — Becky at Future Legacy shares a few traditions she is starting for her family, including popovers, a birthday banner, and service.
• My Holiday Family Traditions — The Artsymama continues a long tradition of adopting family members and sharing two favorite games that work well for a crowd.
• Mindfully Creating Family Traditions — Alison at BluebirdMama has ideas for celebrating birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas — though her family’s still figuring some of it out. (@bluebirdmama)
• Memorable Traditions — Lori Ann at MamaWit follows four mindful steps when instituting any tradition.
• Let’s Talk Traditions — Lily, aka Witch Mom shares her family’s traditions that are centered on the wheel of the year. (@lilyshahar)
• Homeschool Christmas — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now did not always celebrate the Christmas season in the same way with her family, but they always celebrated together. (@DebChitwood)
• Holidays, food and family — For Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood, the holidays are about family and food. (@crunchymamato2)
• Giving Christmas to the Critter — Rachael at The Variegated Life has found a way to tie her Zen practices to the Christmas story of the baby in the manger. (@RachaelNevins)
• Family Traditions + To Santa Or Not To Santa — Stop by Natural Parents Network to discover some of the traditions from other natural parents. NPN is also featuring snippets of posts from NP bloggers on the topic of whether to encourage children to believe in Santa Claus. (@NatParNet)
• Family Tradition Origins — Momma Jorje discusses her family’s traditions, and her desire not to make anyone feel obligated to conform to them.
• Everyday Traditions — For Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children it’s the small, daily traditions that make life special.
• Establishing Traditions and Older Child Adoption — MrsH at Fleeting Moments is trying to find ways to start traditions with a family that was made very quickly through birth and adoption.
• Emerging Family Traditions — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares some of her favorite birthday and Christmas traditions. (@bfmom)
• Does Rebellion Count? — Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante has instituted a day of rest and PJs at her house on Christmas. (@seonaid_lee)
• December Carnival of Natural Parenting: Family Traditions — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker tries to give her girls a mix of traditions to foster togetherness — but worries that not being near extended family is a disconnect.
• Craft-tea Christmas Celebrations — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud created a delicious Christmas tradition that she named “Craft-tea.”
• A Christmas Tradition — Luschka at Diary of a First Child knows that even though she won’t be able to have her usual holiday traditions this year, the important thing is that she has her family. (@lvano)
• Celebrations without the Holiday — Asha at Meta Mom shares several ways to celebrate the winter holidays without focusing on religious traditions. (@metamomma)
• Celebrating the Journey We Have Traveled Together — Acacia at Be Present enjoys the chance to draw closer to her family during the Christmas holiday.
• Celebrating Motherhood — Do you celebrate the day you became a mother? Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers some ideas for traditions to mark your passage into motherhood. (@CodeNameMama)
• Celebrate! Winter Traditions Brought Home. — At True Confessions of a Real Mommy, TrueRealMommy and her family are celebrating many different religions and traditions this month. Stop by to see their schedule of events. (@TrueRealMommy)
• “Always Ready”, Holiday Style — Amy at Toddler In Tow discovered that it’s not the traditions themselves, but the emotional experience behind them that makes them special.